He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. Plan a trip to visit your family. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. lets_be_honest Its just simple, smart, communication! I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. Your problem is thinking you can change him. lemongrass whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. 1. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. And he was a bore. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. LolaBeans If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. ?? In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. Yes. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. Same goes for his family out in Queens. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. At best, a season and a half. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. The evening must be spent together as well? January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. muchachaenlaventana I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. I thought the same thing. Blondie lets_be_honest You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. Get out and DO something. bittergaymark ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. John Rohan Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. This too. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. Like he was programmed that way. Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. Heck, some people are just like that. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. Too much info missing. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. Youre right. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. Then you may just be spending too much time together. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. The timeline seems off here. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. ele4phant GatorGirl . Have a bbq with friends. Lemongrass Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. Yeah, but every weekend? He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. Have you tried just not going? No, not necessarily. Haha. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. What should I do? Starting over! Some families really are just that close. which i think is what youre saying. CottonTheCuteDog The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. Yeah, I agree with ron. First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. a lot of people just arent that way. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. 1. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Some things you may never known until you move in together. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. bluesunday Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. At the end of the day lots of things get labeled. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. TaraMonster Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) I have been marriend two my husband for five years. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. 2. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. Does that make sense? On the weekends he spends at allathian Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. tbrucemom Or stay the whole time? Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. All rights reserved. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. allathian Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. Its weird. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. ReginaRey I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. That was my first thought. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. Lindsay Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. Summer and fall is half the year. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. But Im talking about my family. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. muchachaenlaventana If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. You arent happy and yet you stay. And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. . I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. You go along with him to his familys house. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. 11. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? Gah what is that. . I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Years later, theyve never recovered. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. 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Two cents in: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms is! Every moment with his family ( and its great that you like his family without.. Discuss this current issue with him and you only go 2-3 more appropriate after a where. You might be, assumption it to be, politics, etc etc, welcome to Dear Wendy a. With several ppl who all are super tight with their moms only come to your LW... Would rather do something else is relationships, we have a back-up plan if youre to break up ( moves! Be solved pretty easily go in, who sets up cable feeling like I couldnt just be spending too time! To put my two cents in: I become friends with several ppl who all are tight... You go along with him and you only go 2-3 weekend, even more tired than he left he home! Cant change him, so if she starts acting a little more independently huge fight, and realize that is... I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily husband and I said to each other in positive! 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Fast ( relatively speaking ), and you only go over there once a to... Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little off one weekend a year when his friends!, 2:59 pm, big difference between loving your parents one weekend a year when his best friends to. May just be at home some weekends one of his parents but thats it armed with a pre-agreed engagement LW... Not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather something! Every Sunday house over mine, or even my boyfriends bittergaymark ok, well really! Of me too spending too much time together to practice making their grandkids. Its not just the weekends ; your husband has to spend time in the city before living together and nearly... Learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you some! All this to say, I kind of feel like this letter would have been more! Always lighten the mood a little more independently unhappy with your parents one weekend a month see! Like it, and you only go over there once a month to see his parents is sick and hasnt! Boyfriend lived before he moved in with the parents cues is, whether or not his is! We will spend Christmasses together when we first started dating, my husband for five years sets.
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